2002 Journal - continued / closed

Bloggers note: Upon further consideration; I decided that my 2002 journal isn't as interesting as I remember it being. We'll blame that on maturity. So I will edit and grab snippets from the rest of the days of journal. The story will be interesting if I give it the Cliff Notes version.





3/15/02


My check was almost nothing - now money is an issue. That's irritating. Then my dad called, he's friends with my ex-wife's old boss. Her boss suspected that she was having an affair with a guy at work during our marriage. Needless to say when I got home I was ready for a Martini. So I had one. None of my friends wanted to go out so Crystal just came over and I had A beer since Crystal seems to not be a big drinker. After some gentle kisses on her tummy she asked if I'd make love to her. I obliged. We peaked simultaneously - it was nice. Of course tomorrow I'm going out with Jane, but hey Crystal's here now. I hope I don't snore too loud.





3/16/02


It was nice waking up next to Crystal, she stayed until noon. I didn't want her to stay that long. I'm ready to be alone (weird). I went to that St. Patrick's party with Jane - I got just wasted. She drank almost nothing. I'm pretty sure I called people when I got home but I don't remember . . . I need to dry out!





3/17/02


I planned on taking it easy today - ooops. We went to O'Gara's for green beer. I ran into Lisa for the second night in a row - fate? We switched bars and I called Rachel - I still have a thing for her. I called Deb wasted and asked if she did have that affair. She said "No" and I believe her. Can you believe I still trust her above all others?





3/18/02


Crystal and I had the "exclusivity" talk last night while I was wasted. Oh goody! Luckily I think we agreed that wasn't going to happen yet. I didn't drink today - that's ONE! I need to severely cut down. I'm going out to Jane tomorrow night - told Crystal I had a work function. I'll try honesty if this progresses. I know I won't start a relationship cheating again like the foundation of my failed marriage. Tonight I find myself thinking of Jane - tiny little ass, yum. Suzie is probably mad at me, what will happen with Lisa? I do SO love juggling these girls. It makes me feel alive and wanted. I'm so pathetically insecure.





3/19/02


So the day was mostly about Jane today and she ends the night by saying, "Don't be bad this weekend." I say, "By drinking too much?" She says, "No, by hitting on women, it would hurt me." Gee, thanks for identifying my real problem and not getting too clingy after we made out lightly three times. Give me a break.





3/20/02


Woke up with Crystal and came home to shower. Slept well with her finally.





4/14/02


Wow - haven't posted in almost a month. Crystal is getting pretty serious. She'd like to move forward, I can't open up. We had an interesting conversation about why men leave women when they get fat . . . yeah, tell ya what - you take pride in yourself, I'll love ya. I'm not compromising again I'll tell you that. She suggested that you should love your partner no matter what. I say you should make an effort and grow together. Both have merit, but you can't just assume love will carry you through. It didn't with my marriage. I asked Deb via email last week if she thought life was better without me in it. She didn't reply. People remember the bad far better than the good - I should have seen the positives. Jane is still in the picture, gives great head.





6/10/02


Almost 2 months this time of not writing. So - Jane has herpes, that's always a fun little discovery. We're making out and she stops me and says, "okay I have something to tell you - don't be mad." I'm thinking, great here comes the baggage. I didn't realize it was the kind you actually CARRY! Can't touch this - duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh - can't touch this. Dismissed. Thank god she was respectful and didn't put me in harms way.





Crystal is now officially my girlfriend. It's a little rocky but we're "making an effort" - I guess she was listening. I keep searching for that spark though. She asks things like, "Do you want me more than all others?" Jesus Christ are you serious? "Want for no others" - - we are talking about a man? If I COULD have my cake and eat it too without hurting a woman I love; I would. We make choices in life. I won't jeapordize a future relationship - Crystal's cool, I dig her. But want for no other . . . goodness.





Deb and I had a little back and forth over our would-have-been anniversary. I said, "I still love you." - she said "what would you have me do?" She's in love with another man. Jesus, I pushed for the divorce, what a pathetic piece of shit.





I started bartending. A business friend of mine is trying to help me get a better job. I'm 3 days sober. When I was 16 I didn't drink and I was still a crazy party guy - where's that confidence now? I've discovered DVD porn - on that note . . .





6/11/02

4 days sober. Battling. Suzie called and dragged me to the gym (thankfully). It's nice that Suzie and I are just friends, I like it better this way. I asked her how her new guy is - she said he's great. I said he doesn't lay you like me though, huh? She just smiled. God I'm good. Crystal still can not get my whole attention and I still miss Deb.

I met another girl online - Sheri. She's older than me, which is a first since I was in 8th grade.

Work still sucks, the money is terrible and the mortgage is killing me.

I have a very strong desire to get healthy again.

6/12/02

5 days sober. 30 days is my stretch goal. Crystal called and said we need to be apart because she needs time to think. The next day after her and a girlfriend met these guys playing pool. Chicks are so obvious. She said she needs to see if she's only with me because she fears being alone . . . gee, that sounds familiar. Seems nowadays, people are so afraid, that they're afraid of being alone, that they force themselves to be alone - just to learn how to be alone. And the end result is that they are alone; stupid. Sabatoge a relationship to learn about yourself? Can't you learn while you're with somebody? Deb said that same stuff to me a year ago. Chicks. I told Crystal you don't need time to think, we're done. She was just gunning for me to be the bad guy anyway - what else is new?

Rules I've learned from dating - try to get an early read on where they are in their life, definitely give pleanty of space and don't smother them, force youself not to call even when you want to. Don't get jealous until way after the exclusive talk. Work the plan. I will not contact my ex-wife anymore.

6/13/02

6 days sober. I'm starting to feel like I'm talking as myself and not this angry, sex hound. Optimism, there's something I've not felt in some time. Crystal called and said we can try again if you promise not to hurt me. I basically said the opposite. I actually listed the various ways I might hurt her - funny. I must subconsciously really not want that. Final thought - I still miss her.

6/14/02

7 days sober. My work environment is completely condescending. I gave the commencement address at my H.S. graduation, I got my B.S. with a 3.8 GPA and I was the sales manager of an entire region for a Fortune 500 company and this is what I'm doing now? Not for long. I'd discuss Crystal but who cares?


6/23/02
A week has gone by since my last entry - I'm off the wagon again. I nailed this Sheri chick. I really need a new job. I am really missing Deb less and less. She is sill the measure by which these chicks are gaged.
6/24/02
And JUST LIKE THAT - I miss her again. Movies, any emotions, being alone, it always comes back to her. As long as I'm distracted, I'm okay - but when I think, I hurt. I always wonder if she misses me or if she'll call me. I am getting better / stronger. I know myself more everyday. Alone is more friendly than it was before - still tough though. I need to do 3 things for myself. 1) Slow the drinking - 2) Hit the gym and look better than ever 3) Fall in love again.
6/27/02
And now - who cares about Deb. It really comes and goes. Right now I'm in Atlanta with Taline. She looks as cute as ever. She is one of my oldest friends. I spoke to Crystal before I left - but everything is just hot and cold with her. We argue, it's going no where. We both make an effort to make it tollerable enough to have sex. I love treating women like they are special - the fact that I do nothing sweet for her means I just don't care. I need to just cut her loose - it's mean to keep her hanging on.
7/5/02
So Deb calls me yesterday. Yeah, right! I just can't deal with that. So many emotions. All I can think about is how to get her back now. I really spent time evaluating why we got divorced. I think she started it; and I ended it. But now? What is she thinking? What would make her ever trust me? Will another try ever happen? When she calls, she misse me. But how much? Ugh. This is a new feeling for me - to be obsessed. I've never wanted anything like I want her back. But I will remain in control and compossed.
7/15/02
CRACK! BANG! BOOM! LIGHTNING STRIKES! I can't explain what's happened over the past 6 days. Today is Monday. Tuesday I met a girl from the internet named Sara. We clicked immediately. Tuesday, long hug. Wed, soft kiss. Thursday, we rented movies and went at it. Friday we went to a party and had a great time. She slept over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What a week, she's awesome. I'm seriously falling in love in 6 days - SIX DAYS! I'm scared out of my mind. She's divorced too and her ex still comes up in conversation too much (but I'd be the pot calling the kettle black if that bothered me). What if she's not ready really, and I get dumped on this one - ouch. Very scary. We have so many common interests - please let this be right. Let it be good. Let her be the reason why all my prayers for Deb were unanswered. How could she have infested my head this fast? I must remain in control - control - control.
1/23 through 2/12/03
Sara and I have a seperation and need to work through a lot of issues. I'm not going to re-write it all . . . we'll keep that offline :)
5/11/03
I am Happy. I made a list of 36 things I know about myself and I need from a partner. It has taken me over 2 years - but I really know me. I know the journal has holes and it didn't give you all the insight I might have promised - but I know 36 things that I need in life and from my partner. I learned what I didn't have from Deb. I learned what I have now. I think - at least at this point in time - Sara meets all 36 needs. But most importantly the last one . . . "It's US against the world." There is very little I and mostly we. It's so easy to grow apart. Focus - stay together.
6/19/04
I'm getting married today. She's my everything and nothing has deminished over the last year. The original CRACK, BOOM LIGHTNING girl turns out to actually be the one. This ends the Bachelor story of John. I'm healthy, we're good, she's perfect. I'm so happy. She's WHY I divorced Deb - I knew she was out there. There's no baggage to start this marriage. We fight through challenges together. We don't compete against each other. I made over $135,000 last year - I believe I'm just better with her. I work for Sprint now. We'll be having babies. Don't you get it - I'm WINNING. That's what we do - we win. I have to go now, because I ROCK!
Thanks for listening journal - but I don't need you anymore. I have my Sara.
Blogger NOTE: Before I hit the "publish" button. It's 5/20/10. Two kids, same house, same wife, same job (although that may change in days) - I have good days and bad days . . . but I will tell you what. I am happy. 6 years later I am very, very happy. She is and was perfect. Nothing has changed from my wedding day. She is my jewel, she is my pride, she is my love. I am the greatest fan of her life because she deserves it. So to all the ladies in this journal (including the ex-wife) - thank you. Thank you so very very much - for showing me without a doubt, exactly what I DON'T WANT. She is what I want - so suck it.

2/14/2013
I'm divorced, again.  Re-reading this - - - not much has changed.  Still the same me, with the same issues.

7/27/2021

Married again.  Just fought off cancer.  Kids are fine.  Dual homes is challenging. 

(continued) 2002 Journal 3/13-14/02

3/13/02
Yesterday I worked a full day without my co-sales manager. It went well, and I continued to learn about this company. I left about 5:40 PM and drove over to Jeff's to pick him up for dinner. We went to Champps again and I had the same thing I always have. A few beers, Golden Tee golf, and some flirting with the waitresses. I called Suzie for a booty call, no answer. I called Crystal - she can already tell when I'm lying. She's jaded - not a good thing. I'm going to have to start being honest with her sooner than I'd like to. I just don't feel comfortable telling her about other girls right now. Hopefully, the other girls will go away so I can focus on her.

Of course I also called my ex-wife last night. God did that suck. Either she truly has no feelings left for me, or she hides it very well. She is cold. Cold beyond expectation. She condescends me like no one else can. She makes me feel like a liar, an alcoholic, and a player (which I guess I've become) generally a bad person. How can she hate me like that? I have a thought to send her flowers - the card reads "A thin line between love and hate." I love when I write in cliche's. It's almost as bad as song lyrics. But, she's tossing me aside - I guess the whole official divorce thing might have given me a clue on that. I simply have to learn to hate her in order to move on. That's the only way I can let it go.

So that was yesterday - today I visited our retail stores. I also scouted some real estate for new potential locations. I did some grocery shopping and then over to Crystals for Beef Enchiladas. She's a good cook. She is definitely a jaded, old fashioned woman. She fits my stereotypical female ideals. Not the unique friend Deb was. She intoxicates me always - who will ever match up? BUT, Crystal and I had a nice night. Then I called Jane to set-up our date for tomorrow night. Called Suzie (no answer). Called Crystal to say good-night. And here I am.

Rachel is the only one I've met that could truly make me forget Deb. Rachel is unavailable, although she assures me I'm a great runner-up. Why can't Crystal snap into focus in my soul like that? She's a good one; the healthy one. I'm SO self-destructive.

3/14/02
Last day today; as the snow fell hard and the NCAA Basketball tournament started. I took it easy. Jane cancelled our date due to the snow. She's also sick, which happens often with her condition. I called Jeff but he was washing clothes. After all the other options were disposed of, Crystal came over and watched basketball with me. We're getting really good at kissing but as I mentioned she's physically off limits from the surgery. She's get well soon enough - but why no blow job?

We'll start with some of the old stuff

Although my profile is not complete yet - I just felt like I should start writing. Certainly I'll have no followers at this point and maybe that's a good thing. For those of you that will start reading my blog in the future, maybe you read way back to see what my fist post was about.



Sometime in the near future, I will fill out my profile to describe what my interests are, what my beliefs may be, possibly a title for my blogging and generically who I am. Who I am now. That's a question right there but I'll not venture down that rabbit hole at this point. My profile will describe Me - a 36 year-old happily married father of two. A gainfully employed salesperson with moderate financial freedom and a zest for life. My profile will tell you all kinds of things about Me . . . but it won't tell you about who I was. Who was 1992 Me? How about 1999 Me? And dare I even discuss 2001-02 Me? I will - I will.



The rest of this initial post will be the first entry of my 2002 journal. It's just a notepad - no fancy binding or lock on the side. Until today, it was buried in my nightstand underneath a cell phone charger, some pens, condoms which I no longer need, nude photos of my wife, the Cosmo Kamasutra Instruction guide (never used), Kleenex, and what I hope was just melted chocolate. That journal, I feel, put my life back on track. Somehow writing out what I needed to do, and what I was doing allowed me to see myself. And I didn't like what I saw. I'll share that journal in these blogs for a few weeks here. You will meet - 2001-02 Me. You probably won't like him - I certainly don't.



Over time I expect this blog to take a turn into my profile life. You'll hear all about family life, Blockbuster movie reviews, and everything that's going to be in my profile. But right now: Me - 2001.

3/11/2002
After reading an article in Men's Health magazine, I've decided to start keeping this journal. I'm sure some days will be missing, as I'll likely get busy (or drunk); yet so it begins this potential work-in-progress. I've never kept a journal, at least not alone. Teresa and I kept one in High School; more or less a collection of notes. You know, passing notes - a communication since replaced by email. Today was a good day. And now I wonder to myself, "Do I get my journal up to speed on where I am in my life?" Or is this where my life begins?

Potentially (there's that word again) this is a therapeutic means to starting over - which I feel I must do. Why? New job, New car (Audi A4 Quattro). Maybe a new girl . . . New life. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed on the first alarm. It's taking me 5 or 6 snoozes to arise. Then I race to get to Hopkins before 8:30 AM. I usually do - hungry though. Work today consisted of some computer updating, some selling, our Monday meeting, and a computer malfunction. I'm sure the details of work will become more exciting - OH, and we interviewed a potential employee. A very personable black guy whom I think we'll hire. Amazing how even today I still have thought of, "am I hiring him because I'm over-compensating for our societal pressures of 'don't be a racist'." I hope not. I'm a good judge of character, but Lord knows I've demonstrated a lack of said judgement lately.

I'm single now. Have been for about a year. I suppose I could go read the Judge's Decree and find the exact date - but I'd rather not know. I certainly don't celebrate the divorce. I miss her. I miss her a lot. It was March 1st that I got drunk (told her I wasn't drunk) and mustered the courage to tell her things are painful as "just friends." So now we're not friends. Not even 2 weeks and I miss her. The others (as I call these women who could maybe replace her, HAH!) are kind of around. I string them along like puppets. Doing their little dance for me to ease my insecurity of being alone. Alone still feels . . . lonely. Rachel is about out of the picture - great sex, bad person. Suzie didn't call yesterday or today. I think I'll just see if she does. Nice girl, bigger butt, cute cheeks . . . not my type. I saw Naked Lauren on Sat. afternoon. Not naked this time of course because it's been a while. Eclectic little college girl on Zoltof because of her mom being a schizo. Great hip bones, lovely features, fun to be around . . . maybe in a couple years. Jane is a cute, tiny little blond. Sort of the Sarah Jessica Parker look. Attractive, great kisser, but she has Cystic Fibrosis. How much can I invest in a truly terminal relationship? as EVERY other guy has done to her as well.

Those are the others, save one: Crystal. Crystal, Crystal, Crystal . . . are you for real? She just had a cervical tumor frozen off, so sex is out of the question for 6 weeks. Yet, I still find time to spend with her. I left there a hour-and-a-half ago where she made me spaghetti. The we snuggled and watched Elimidate & Shipmates. She smokes - which sucks, but overall I really like her. Why? Am I just desperate for normalcy after the divorce, Telesha, Lisa, and Rachel? Someone not needy like Kim - or ugly like that one chick, ya know, Jeff's co-worker's friend. Yes - Crystal seems pretty cool. I wonder where it will go from here?

Thing is though, I know how to make relationships work - when I want (when I'm in them). Why I sabotaged the marriage, when I felt trapped? Mark it up to ignorant stupidity - Deb was / is the greatest woman, and I love her. But back to my point - I know how to make them work. I could do it with Crystal. Should I?

End the first entry of my 2002 Journal.