You may have seen this joke email going around - basically making fun of inner-city youth and socially biased standardized testing. Well - I answered the "test" :)
Schools in Detroit, Chicago and New Jersey are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can relate to real-world situations!
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________
1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shootin. How many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive- by before he gotta reload?
A: Not enough information. If we make the assumption that each drive-by has one target, and the 4 landed shots would indeed ice said Mofo – then we can determine that the clip can ice 15.38462 mofo’s or 15 completely clipped.
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?
A: Leroy got quite bit out of Antonio selling him 3.5 grams (an 8-ball) for $320. At the $85 per gram rate the 8-ball should have cost $297.50. Leroy has depleted 5.5 grams of his 2 ounces = 56.7 grams. This leaves 51.2 grams remaining with a street value of $4,352.00 if we assume the $85 per gram rate.
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?
A: 9.411 tricks must be turned per day. Each Ho must therefore turn 3 tricks with his #1 or Queen Bee Ho turning 4 tricks.
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?
A: We need to refer to the above stated street value of $85 per gram. We’re dealing with a grand total of 453.6 grams of sugar. The street value of the goods would therefore only be $38,556. It doesn’t matter how that mother f*&ker cuts his sh*t – he got robbed by his dealer daddy. He gonna have to make up $1,444 before he can event dig into the 20%.
5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?
A: Ray-ray has a current stolen value of $8000. He needs to steal two more Corvettes to post bail. The good news is he’ll have an extra $1000 to throw a party once he’s out.
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
A: 72 months x $100 = $7200; he’ll have $2800 . . . these are getting easier.
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
A: 20% of the total paint or 20% of each can? Let’s assume 20% of the total paint. 80% of 66 square feet of available paint = 52.8 Sq Ft. This will create 17.6 letters or 17 whole letters.
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?
A: 20% that one bored me.
9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?
A: $25 per week, on $700 is 28 weeks. Just long enough to go into treatment and get right.
10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
A: If Marvin is moving at 15 mph he’s moving at 22 feet per second. That means he’s 440 feet away before Juan fires his piece. Just to give you an idea – that’s almost 150 yards (146.667) away 1.5 football fields. If he Juan cools Marvin – that’s one helluva shot! I say it’s a trick question – Marvin done did stole Juan’s skateboard out cold.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
A wonderful Back-and-Forth, had to be documented.
Sanborn the problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money.
Murray - AND THERE'S a perfect example of what I'm talking about - sweeping rhetoric. Thank you Jim for the eloquent summation of what I'm talking about. IF it's true socialism (which by the way America is undeniably one of the least socialistic societies on the planet) - then there's no such thing as "other people's money."Sanborn - First off the government doesn't have any money, they can only get money by taking it from people who earn it. So it every penny is "other people's money."
Second, the "least socialistic societies on the planet" is undeniably bankrupting it...self by spending the vast majority of its budget on income redistribution: HUD, HHS, SSA. It has already gone beyond spending other people's money into spending money that no one has - interest payments on the national debt ($375 billion) are more than 6 times what is spent on education ($53 billion).
IF you still think America is not socialist, please explain why 50% of the people pay 97% of the taxes, and why 1/6 of Americans receive some direct benefit of a social program. This is not sweeping rhetoric, it is reality.
Murray - You can dislike socialism. Just understand that socialism by definition puts all the money made by the society into a pool for all to use. It is distributed evenly, and no one has any person income. That's socialism - but people on... TV like to shout about it like America is moving to total socialism . . . that's fear mongering.
There is a debate about what percentage of our spending should come from government - that's a healthy debate. European nations tend to be about 60% of consumption from government. We tend to be about 40% - therefore we're not that socialistic. That's not a debate, that's just fact.
Sanborn - Thank you for your permission to have my own opinion, John. What is the difference between a "socialist" country that forces you to work for the government or a "free" country that forces productive people to pay for the unproductive? How... long will it be before the two types of socialism are indistiguishable from each other? That's not fear-mongering, that is forward-looking.
There is no debate on what percentage of our spending should come from government. The government does as is pleases, without regard for public opinion, consequences, or the existing amount of wealth. Being "less socialistic" is kind of like being the last ones to die of the plague - in the end you are still dead, you just sufferend longer.
Murray - That phrase "you can dislike socialism" was not meant to be condescending - I was simply trying to say that to be against socialism is a fine opinion. It's also fine to dislike the non-productive that take advantage of government programs.... But I really don't understand the dooms-day "forward thinking."
Government DOES have a roll in a modern society. It does. It provides infrastructure, military, and law. Things get a little more sticky when you discuss needs that could also be met by the private sector - food, energy, health care, etc.
But here's the thing - we're coming out of a period of time where the private sector (specifically financial institutions banks, lenders, and the street) leveraged our entire economy against (without getting technical) gambles. I just don't see how supply-side economics gets you out of this mess. The right wants to stay true to that position, but how do you allow supply-side economics to pull you out of what supply-side economics put you into? The banks were too big to fail, there were no loans, no one was hiring regardless of tax rate, the housing market was over-saturated . . . I mean what's left? Truly, what is left to stimulate GDP? The FED already had the interest rate at zero - I mean what is left? OH - there's only one thing left. Government spending through stimulus.
If you have or had another solution, please - let me know.
Sanborn - The supply-side economics are the only way out of the mess. The fallacy that government spending "stimulates" anything is a road to nowhere - which I believe was Brian's original point.
Supply-side economics did not create the mess. People... (including groups of people called corporations) put their capital at risk (gambled) like they do every day in a free economy. The problem came when the government eliminated that risk factor by bailing them out of their bad investments. They took good money (borrowed it, actually) from the productive and erased the debts that should have been incurred by the risk-takers.
What is left to stimulate the GDP? Private enterprise and capitalism is the only thing. Government creates nothing, only the labor of a free people can create wealth and keep the economy moving. Government spending only creates the illusion of growth. Once the injection of "stimulus" runs out, there is nothing left but a line of people still waiting for a handout and higher inflation. Without the capitalists willing to put their money at risk, there is no wealth to tax and no government revenue to redistribute.
Murray - You're right - it is the illusion of growth - that's the point. If you allow the banks to fail because they took those risks, then the assets just sit while we muck about trying to establish who owns the property or asset. The banks take ...massive losses and it sucks billions out of the market. By the times thing level off - the few that remain viable have their value cut by a massive percentage. See Great Depression.
Only now you have to multiply this because now we're in a global economy. If the banks all fail, and our market plummets - who do you think buys the assets? Americans that have no money? No - property and assets are now purchased by foreign entities - you want to start discussing the end of the free world? Allow the banks to fail. You want to talk about EVERY vehicle in this country being a Nissan, Toyota or Honda - allow GM to fail. This is not a fixed game.
Corporations are outsourcing to non-American workers STILL at an alarming rate. Wal-Mart is 16% of our entire economy and they purchase almost nothing domestically.
I'm sorry - but something needs to check their shit. I hope and pray someday we are in a position where free trade and an understanding of social responsibility by our corporations is alive and well. There is nothing more wonderfully efficient than capitalism. But one of Adam Smith's guiding principles is that the market work in the best interest of it's society. The incredible greed of the private sector put us in this position, and now it's time to pay the piper.
Sanborn - I cannot allow you to corrupt Adam Smith. His guiding principle was not what you stated at all. His brilliance was in pointing out that each of us working in our own self-interest results in the improvement of all.
In fact he clearly stat...ed that an individual who "intends only his own gain" is "led by an invisible hand to promote an end which was no part of his intention. By pursuing his own interest, he frequently promotes that of the society more effectually than when he really intends to promote it. I have never known much good done by those who affect to trade for the public good."
If you are satisfied with the illusion of growth and the illusion of a free market, and the illusion of wealth and prosperity, nothing I can point out from reality will change your mind.
Murray - Here's the rest of the Adam Smith quote (I'm sure where your Googled quotables left off) - "But the conditions required to operate this invisible hand efficiently are demanding. And even if those conditions exist, the resulting allocation of resources could be hugely unequal, and unsustainable in a society in which the citizens vote and governments respond to majority opinion." He conceded that government intervention could be required if ideal free market conditions were not present.
I believe that ideal free market conditions indeed do not exist at this time. Greed to the detriment of all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The problem with partisan politics
Anybody that believes whole heartily in a single platform of politics is either:
- truly heartless to the troubles of certain classes in society
- so focused on certain social issues that they simply are blind to other rational thoughts
- ignorant (if you watch any given television channel and simply regurgitate what they say, that's you)
- are making decisions based on religion and only religion (see below for further explanation on this one)
- a ridiculous bleeding heart hippy that thinks we can all love one another right now
- haven't thoroughly educated yourself to understand one verifiable truth according to all economic theorists = Government is Inefficient but pervasive and required by society. The private sector is efficient, but unable to meet the needs of a complex society on the whole.
The last point is really the basis of most of my discussion and concern. Clearly I may have missed a reason for being single-party minded; if so please comment. But most logical people sit somewhere in the middle of the left and right philosophy. And while there are so many different viewpoints politically - if we stick with just an economic evaluation we should be able to keep this discussion fairly clean.
I'm not going to get into religion, because religion by nature is illogical. If ANYONE wants to get into it with me about the LOGIC of religion . . . fire away. Faith is by definition the opposite of provable. I'm not going to get into social issues (which are also often based on religion) because those have emotions that drive a position that is not necessarily viewing the societal norm. These include homosexuality, abortion, environmental issues, minority rights, etc. I should also note here - if you VOTE because of societal issues, then DON'T - I repeat DON'T - complain about taxes and the economy. They have NOTHING to do with each other. This is the part the ignorant don't understand.
Let me just drop a paragraph on my hypocritical morons of the world for just a second. You are a poor, redneck, trailer trash, slug with very few marketable skills. Your mama collects social security, your wife collects welfare, and you collect unemployment. You vote republican because they are more God faring, they appose gay marriage, and they'll make sure you keep your guns. I'm betting - if you lost your social security, welfare, and unemployment - you might not be able to drive to church, leave your box to see gay people, or own a gun because you can't afford the ammo. Guess what you suck of the earth, democrats keep you alive. Of course none of them are reading this blog.
So let's start with the capitalistic viewpoint. If we lower taxes, the small business owners (and large corporations) will have more money to grow their business - hire more employees. This in turn will stimulate more spending creating the multiplier effect that grows the GDP for the country. I mean my goodness - that sounds fucking great (in theory). The left Keynesian economics suggest that in a time of economic downturn - only government spending can stimulate the economy. This is a cute little idea, except that it grows the incredibly inefficient government that will use about 140% of funding required to do what the private sector could do more efficiently. But, at least they're doing something.
So what do we do? No one should write a blog unless they have a plan.
THIS is what we do - step 1: Don't vote on social issues and religion - it's often contrary to what you need. Don't worry; a hedonistic society won't suddenly sprout up if you vote left. Similarly, all underprivileged minorities & the environment will not die if we vote right (and we know the unborn babies certainly won't die). So just think what your money can do for YOUR social issue if you HAVE money, and vote for the economic plan.
Step 2: Vote democratic in 2010. We need to continue the economic benefits of stimulus money and government spending. If we start cutting taxes and withdrawing from government programs, it will force those that are struggling further into debt and we won't even begin to see the benefits of some of the programs that were pushed through. Most importantly is the health care bill. The health care bill and program is FAR from perfect. In fact, it sucks. It's poorly funded, it doesn't span the necessary coverage areas, and it's limiting to those that have nice health care plans . . . BUT - it needs to get a foothold so that it can be improved. It needs to gain acceptance so that every American can receive health care. I truly believe, that like electricity, water, sewage, roads, and food - Americans are ENTITLED to health care. Let the programs mature, let the stimulus dollars get used and repaid . . . allow the process to work for just a few more years.
Step 3: Private sector - all of you. Start hiring. If you're going to sit there and pout, be whiny, and live in fear that your taxes are going up; we'll suck. Unfortunately, I don't believe Step 3 will come to pass. The greed in this country is so far gone that this part probably just won't go. But, if they were smart on the whole and patient - small business owners and large corporations would buck up - pay their fair share of taxes to reduce the deficit. Consider it an investment to gain our national economic health. The problem is that everyone is hording their money and "trying to get there's" - - they're not hiring. They need to hire to help the government spending and create an overall stimulus. DON'T cut off your nose to spite your face - THAT's what's happening right now.
Step 4: In 2014 with Obama in his second term and government getting WAY too large. Vote Republican. By that time the retarded Tea Party will have proven to be a failure because everyone read my blog instead of watching a full on media blitz. The economy will have started to recover (maybe even recovered and booming) and we now must concern ourselves with an efficient, low-tax, innovative economy. We must keep in place the government regulation that went into place; to prevent the banks and Wall Street from running willy-nilly again with their creative derivatives and crazy bad moral business practices. If we prevent Ponzi Schemes, derivatives, arm-loans, off-shore bank accounts, and excessive offshore outsourcing . . . maybe, just maybe we'll kick ass again. And the 2020's will look just like the 90's.
Do it - do it people.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Transitions
It's such an obvious observation to state that transitions make us anxious. When you're five you go to kindergarten (side note: why has this German term endured) - you know without anyone telling you that you are expected to perform. It's the smallest phrases: "be good", "just try your best", "listen to your teacher." Or how about, "Just have fun" . . . there's a loaded comment. If you really went to school and just had fun you'd be expelled. Through all those little phrases and the mannerisms of your parents you know something is expected of you. You know you need to perform (or at least try).
The transitions continue as you grow - starting on a team, moving to new schools, off to college, moving in with roomates . . . each bringing new challenges and you know you need to perform. My biggest tranistion to date was certainly the birth of the first one. It's the moderate pressure of knowing that if you don't perform at a bare minimum something dies. Not the plant in the corner, not even a dog (which would be horrific enough), but a human baby. I have a teamate in parenting and could lean on her quite often; I'm thankful for that. We aquire a lot of help through transitions throughout our life.
So what the hell is my point? You'd think after going through some pretty significant transitions in life that by the time you were 36 transitions would be easier. There's would be less butterflies in the stomach, you wouldn't lose any sleep - you'd get your ducks in a row, put your support people in place, evaluate your move and transition. Well - wrong. I haven't made an occupational transition in some time, and now I'm basically pre-occupied in my mind constantly. What if I'm not really as good as I think I am? I have a whole family counting on me - what if I fail?
I'm a confident person, and I've failed at very little in my life - which leads me to this question . . . is it better to expect to succeed or fail? I think best to expect to succeed and prepare to fail. But in preparing to fail, are you subconciously expecting to? I suppose I'll leave it to others to debate the issue - I just know that I'm transitioning and it's nerve racking. You need to do it because the most rewarding things require transitions - but it's hard everytime.
The transitions continue as you grow - starting on a team, moving to new schools, off to college, moving in with roomates . . . each bringing new challenges and you know you need to perform. My biggest tranistion to date was certainly the birth of the first one. It's the moderate pressure of knowing that if you don't perform at a bare minimum something dies. Not the plant in the corner, not even a dog (which would be horrific enough), but a human baby. I have a teamate in parenting and could lean on her quite often; I'm thankful for that. We aquire a lot of help through transitions throughout our life.
So what the hell is my point? You'd think after going through some pretty significant transitions in life that by the time you were 36 transitions would be easier. There's would be less butterflies in the stomach, you wouldn't lose any sleep - you'd get your ducks in a row, put your support people in place, evaluate your move and transition. Well - wrong. I haven't made an occupational transition in some time, and now I'm basically pre-occupied in my mind constantly. What if I'm not really as good as I think I am? I have a whole family counting on me - what if I fail?
I'm a confident person, and I've failed at very little in my life - which leads me to this question . . . is it better to expect to succeed or fail? I think best to expect to succeed and prepare to fail. But in preparing to fail, are you subconciously expecting to? I suppose I'll leave it to others to debate the issue - I just know that I'm transitioning and it's nerve racking. You need to do it because the most rewarding things require transitions - but it's hard everytime.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
2002 Journal - continued / closed
Bloggers note: Upon further consideration; I decided that my 2002 journal isn't as interesting as I remember it being. We'll blame that on maturity. So I will edit and grab snippets from the rest of the days of journal. The story will be interesting if I give it the Cliff Notes version.
3/15/02
My check was almost nothing - now money is an issue. That's irritating. Then my dad called, he's friends with my ex-wife's old boss. Her boss suspected that she was having an affair with a guy at work during our marriage. Needless to say when I got home I was ready for a Martini. So I had one. None of my friends wanted to go out so Crystal just came over and I had A beer since Crystal seems to not be a big drinker. After some gentle kisses on her tummy she asked if I'd make love to her. I obliged. We peaked simultaneously - it was nice. Of course tomorrow I'm going out with Jane, but hey Crystal's here now. I hope I don't snore too loud.
3/16/02
It was nice waking up next to Crystal, she stayed until noon. I didn't want her to stay that long. I'm ready to be alone (weird). I went to that St. Patrick's party with Jane - I got just wasted. She drank almost nothing. I'm pretty sure I called people when I got home but I don't remember . . . I need to dry out!
3/17/02
I planned on taking it easy today - ooops. We went to O'Gara's for green beer. I ran into Lisa for the second night in a row - fate? We switched bars and I called Rachel - I still have a thing for her. I called Deb wasted and asked if she did have that affair. She said "No" and I believe her. Can you believe I still trust her above all others?
3/18/02
Crystal and I had the "exclusivity" talk last night while I was wasted. Oh goody! Luckily I think we agreed that wasn't going to happen yet. I didn't drink today - that's ONE! I need to severely cut down. I'm going out to Jane tomorrow night - told Crystal I had a work function. I'll try honesty if this progresses. I know I won't start a relationship cheating again like the foundation of my failed marriage. Tonight I find myself thinking of Jane - tiny little ass, yum. Suzie is probably mad at me, what will happen with Lisa? I do SO love juggling these girls. It makes me feel alive and wanted. I'm so pathetically insecure.
3/19/02
So the day was mostly about Jane today and she ends the night by saying, "Don't be bad this weekend." I say, "By drinking too much?" She says, "No, by hitting on women, it would hurt me." Gee, thanks for identifying my real problem and not getting too clingy after we made out lightly three times. Give me a break.
3/20/02
Woke up with Crystal and came home to shower. Slept well with her finally.
4/14/02
Wow - haven't posted in almost a month. Crystal is getting pretty serious. She'd like to move forward, I can't open up. We had an interesting conversation about why men leave women when they get fat . . . yeah, tell ya what - you take pride in yourself, I'll love ya. I'm not compromising again I'll tell you that. She suggested that you should love your partner no matter what. I say you should make an effort and grow together. Both have merit, but you can't just assume love will carry you through. It didn't with my marriage. I asked Deb via email last week if she thought life was better without me in it. She didn't reply. People remember the bad far better than the good - I should have seen the positives. Jane is still in the picture, gives great head.
6/10/02
Almost 2 months this time of not writing. So - Jane has herpes, that's always a fun little discovery. We're making out and she stops me and says, "okay I have something to tell you - don't be mad." I'm thinking, great here comes the baggage. I didn't realize it was the kind you actually CARRY! Can't touch this - duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh - can't touch this. Dismissed. Thank god she was respectful and didn't put me in harms way.
Crystal is now officially my girlfriend. It's a little rocky but we're "making an effort" - I guess she was listening. I keep searching for that spark though. She asks things like, "Do you want me more than all others?" Jesus Christ are you serious? "Want for no others" - - we are talking about a man? If I COULD have my cake and eat it too without hurting a woman I love; I would. We make choices in life. I won't jeapordize a future relationship - Crystal's cool, I dig her. But want for no other . . . goodness.
Deb and I had a little back and forth over our would-have-been anniversary. I said, "I still love you." - she said "what would you have me do?" She's in love with another man. Jesus, I pushed for the divorce, what a pathetic piece of shit.
I started bartending. A business friend of mine is trying to help me get a better job. I'm 3 days sober. When I was 16 I didn't drink and I was still a crazy party guy - where's that confidence now? I've discovered DVD porn - on that note . . .
6/11/02
4 days sober. Battling. Suzie called and dragged me to the gym (thankfully). It's nice that Suzie and I are just friends, I like it better this way. I asked her how her new guy is - she said he's great. I said he doesn't lay you like me though, huh? She just smiled. God I'm good. Crystal still can not get my whole attention and I still miss Deb.
I met another girl online - Sheri. She's older than me, which is a first since I was in 8th grade.
Work still sucks, the money is terrible and the mortgage is killing me.
I have a very strong desire to get healthy again.
6/12/02
5 days sober. 30 days is my stretch goal. Crystal called and said we need to be apart because she needs time to think. The next day after her and a girlfriend met these guys playing pool. Chicks are so obvious. She said she needs to see if she's only with me because she fears being alone . . . gee, that sounds familiar. Seems nowadays, people are so afraid, that they're afraid of being alone, that they force themselves to be alone - just to learn how to be alone. And the end result is that they are alone; stupid. Sabatoge a relationship to learn about yourself? Can't you learn while you're with somebody? Deb said that same stuff to me a year ago. Chicks. I told Crystal you don't need time to think, we're done. She was just gunning for me to be the bad guy anyway - what else is new?
Rules I've learned from dating - try to get an early read on where they are in their life, definitely give pleanty of space and don't smother them, force youself not to call even when you want to. Don't get jealous until way after the exclusive talk. Work the plan. I will not contact my ex-wife anymore.
6/13/02
6 days sober. I'm starting to feel like I'm talking as myself and not this angry, sex hound. Optimism, there's something I've not felt in some time. Crystal called and said we can try again if you promise not to hurt me. I basically said the opposite. I actually listed the various ways I might hurt her - funny. I must subconsciously really not want that. Final thought - I still miss her.
6/14/02
7 days sober. My work environment is completely condescending. I gave the commencement address at my H.S. graduation, I got my B.S. with a 3.8 GPA and I was the sales manager of an entire region for a Fortune 500 company and this is what I'm doing now? Not for long. I'd discuss Crystal but who cares?
6/23/02
A week has gone by since my last entry - I'm off the wagon again. I nailed this Sheri chick. I really need a new job. I am really missing Deb less and less. She is sill the measure by which these chicks are gaged.
6/24/02
And JUST LIKE THAT - I miss her again. Movies, any emotions, being alone, it always comes back to her. As long as I'm distracted, I'm okay - but when I think, I hurt. I always wonder if she misses me or if she'll call me. I am getting better / stronger. I know myself more everyday. Alone is more friendly than it was before - still tough though. I need to do 3 things for myself. 1) Slow the drinking - 2) Hit the gym and look better than ever 3) Fall in love again.
6/27/02
And now - who cares about Deb. It really comes and goes. Right now I'm in Atlanta with Taline. She looks as cute as ever. She is one of my oldest friends. I spoke to Crystal before I left - but everything is just hot and cold with her. We argue, it's going no where. We both make an effort to make it tollerable enough to have sex. I love treating women like they are special - the fact that I do nothing sweet for her means I just don't care. I need to just cut her loose - it's mean to keep her hanging on.
7/5/02
So Deb calls me yesterday. Yeah, right! I just can't deal with that. So many emotions. All I can think about is how to get her back now. I really spent time evaluating why we got divorced. I think she started it; and I ended it. But now? What is she thinking? What would make her ever trust me? Will another try ever happen? When she calls, she misse me. But how much? Ugh. This is a new feeling for me - to be obsessed. I've never wanted anything like I want her back. But I will remain in control and compossed.
7/15/02
CRACK! BANG! BOOM! LIGHTNING STRIKES! I can't explain what's happened over the past 6 days. Today is Monday. Tuesday I met a girl from the internet named Sara. We clicked immediately. Tuesday, long hug. Wed, soft kiss. Thursday, we rented movies and went at it. Friday we went to a party and had a great time. She slept over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What a week, she's awesome. I'm seriously falling in love in 6 days - SIX DAYS! I'm scared out of my mind. She's divorced too and her ex still comes up in conversation too much (but I'd be the pot calling the kettle black if that bothered me). What if she's not ready really, and I get dumped on this one - ouch. Very scary. We have so many common interests - please let this be right. Let it be good. Let her be the reason why all my prayers for Deb were unanswered. How could she have infested my head this fast? I must remain in control - control - control.
1/23 through 2/12/03
Sara and I have a seperation and need to work through a lot of issues. I'm not going to re-write it all . . . we'll keep that offline :)
5/11/03
I am Happy. I made a list of 36 things I know about myself and I need from a partner. It has taken me over 2 years - but I really know me. I know the journal has holes and it didn't give you all the insight I might have promised - but I know 36 things that I need in life and from my partner. I learned what I didn't have from Deb. I learned what I have now. I think - at least at this point in time - Sara meets all 36 needs. But most importantly the last one . . . "It's US against the world." There is very little I and mostly we. It's so easy to grow apart. Focus - stay together.
6/19/04
I'm getting married today. She's my everything and nothing has deminished over the last year. The original CRACK, BOOM LIGHTNING girl turns out to actually be the one. This ends the Bachelor story of John. I'm healthy, we're good, she's perfect. I'm so happy. She's WHY I divorced Deb - I knew she was out there. There's no baggage to start this marriage. We fight through challenges together. We don't compete against each other. I made over $135,000 last year - I believe I'm just better with her. I work for Sprint now. We'll be having babies. Don't you get it - I'm WINNING. That's what we do - we win. I have to go now, because I ROCK!
Thanks for listening journal - but I don't need you anymore. I have my Sara.
Blogger NOTE: Before I hit the "publish" button. It's 5/20/10. Two kids, same house, same wife, same job (although that may change in days) - I have good days and bad days . . . but I will tell you what. I am happy. 6 years later I am very, very happy. She is and was perfect. Nothing has changed from my wedding day. She is my jewel, she is my pride, she is my love. I am the greatest fan of her life because she deserves it. So to all the ladies in this journal (including the ex-wife) - thank you. Thank you so very very much - for showing me without a doubt, exactly what I DON'T WANT. She is what I want - so suck it.
2/14/2013
I'm divorced, again. Re-reading this - - - not much has changed. Still the same me, with the same issues.
3/15/02
My check was almost nothing - now money is an issue. That's irritating. Then my dad called, he's friends with my ex-wife's old boss. Her boss suspected that she was having an affair with a guy at work during our marriage. Needless to say when I got home I was ready for a Martini. So I had one. None of my friends wanted to go out so Crystal just came over and I had A beer since Crystal seems to not be a big drinker. After some gentle kisses on her tummy she asked if I'd make love to her. I obliged. We peaked simultaneously - it was nice. Of course tomorrow I'm going out with Jane, but hey Crystal's here now. I hope I don't snore too loud.
3/16/02
It was nice waking up next to Crystal, she stayed until noon. I didn't want her to stay that long. I'm ready to be alone (weird). I went to that St. Patrick's party with Jane - I got just wasted. She drank almost nothing. I'm pretty sure I called people when I got home but I don't remember . . . I need to dry out!
3/17/02
I planned on taking it easy today - ooops. We went to O'Gara's for green beer. I ran into Lisa for the second night in a row - fate? We switched bars and I called Rachel - I still have a thing for her. I called Deb wasted and asked if she did have that affair. She said "No" and I believe her. Can you believe I still trust her above all others?
3/18/02
Crystal and I had the "exclusivity" talk last night while I was wasted. Oh goody! Luckily I think we agreed that wasn't going to happen yet. I didn't drink today - that's ONE! I need to severely cut down. I'm going out to Jane tomorrow night - told Crystal I had a work function. I'll try honesty if this progresses. I know I won't start a relationship cheating again like the foundation of my failed marriage. Tonight I find myself thinking of Jane - tiny little ass, yum. Suzie is probably mad at me, what will happen with Lisa? I do SO love juggling these girls. It makes me feel alive and wanted. I'm so pathetically insecure.
3/19/02
So the day was mostly about Jane today and she ends the night by saying, "Don't be bad this weekend." I say, "By drinking too much?" She says, "No, by hitting on women, it would hurt me." Gee, thanks for identifying my real problem and not getting too clingy after we made out lightly three times. Give me a break.
3/20/02
Woke up with Crystal and came home to shower. Slept well with her finally.
4/14/02
Wow - haven't posted in almost a month. Crystal is getting pretty serious. She'd like to move forward, I can't open up. We had an interesting conversation about why men leave women when they get fat . . . yeah, tell ya what - you take pride in yourself, I'll love ya. I'm not compromising again I'll tell you that. She suggested that you should love your partner no matter what. I say you should make an effort and grow together. Both have merit, but you can't just assume love will carry you through. It didn't with my marriage. I asked Deb via email last week if she thought life was better without me in it. She didn't reply. People remember the bad far better than the good - I should have seen the positives. Jane is still in the picture, gives great head.
6/10/02
Almost 2 months this time of not writing. So - Jane has herpes, that's always a fun little discovery. We're making out and she stops me and says, "okay I have something to tell you - don't be mad." I'm thinking, great here comes the baggage. I didn't realize it was the kind you actually CARRY! Can't touch this - duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh - can't touch this. Dismissed. Thank god she was respectful and didn't put me in harms way.
Crystal is now officially my girlfriend. It's a little rocky but we're "making an effort" - I guess she was listening. I keep searching for that spark though. She asks things like, "Do you want me more than all others?" Jesus Christ are you serious? "Want for no others" - - we are talking about a man? If I COULD have my cake and eat it too without hurting a woman I love; I would. We make choices in life. I won't jeapordize a future relationship - Crystal's cool, I dig her. But want for no other . . . goodness.
Deb and I had a little back and forth over our would-have-been anniversary. I said, "I still love you." - she said "what would you have me do?" She's in love with another man. Jesus, I pushed for the divorce, what a pathetic piece of shit.
I started bartending. A business friend of mine is trying to help me get a better job. I'm 3 days sober. When I was 16 I didn't drink and I was still a crazy party guy - where's that confidence now? I've discovered DVD porn - on that note . . .
6/11/02
4 days sober. Battling. Suzie called and dragged me to the gym (thankfully). It's nice that Suzie and I are just friends, I like it better this way. I asked her how her new guy is - she said he's great. I said he doesn't lay you like me though, huh? She just smiled. God I'm good. Crystal still can not get my whole attention and I still miss Deb.
I met another girl online - Sheri. She's older than me, which is a first since I was in 8th grade.
Work still sucks, the money is terrible and the mortgage is killing me.
I have a very strong desire to get healthy again.
6/12/02
5 days sober. 30 days is my stretch goal. Crystal called and said we need to be apart because she needs time to think. The next day after her and a girlfriend met these guys playing pool. Chicks are so obvious. She said she needs to see if she's only with me because she fears being alone . . . gee, that sounds familiar. Seems nowadays, people are so afraid, that they're afraid of being alone, that they force themselves to be alone - just to learn how to be alone. And the end result is that they are alone; stupid. Sabatoge a relationship to learn about yourself? Can't you learn while you're with somebody? Deb said that same stuff to me a year ago. Chicks. I told Crystal you don't need time to think, we're done. She was just gunning for me to be the bad guy anyway - what else is new?
Rules I've learned from dating - try to get an early read on where they are in their life, definitely give pleanty of space and don't smother them, force youself not to call even when you want to. Don't get jealous until way after the exclusive talk. Work the plan. I will not contact my ex-wife anymore.
6/13/02
6 days sober. I'm starting to feel like I'm talking as myself and not this angry, sex hound. Optimism, there's something I've not felt in some time. Crystal called and said we can try again if you promise not to hurt me. I basically said the opposite. I actually listed the various ways I might hurt her - funny. I must subconsciously really not want that. Final thought - I still miss her.
6/14/02
7 days sober. My work environment is completely condescending. I gave the commencement address at my H.S. graduation, I got my B.S. with a 3.8 GPA and I was the sales manager of an entire region for a Fortune 500 company and this is what I'm doing now? Not for long. I'd discuss Crystal but who cares?
6/23/02
A week has gone by since my last entry - I'm off the wagon again. I nailed this Sheri chick. I really need a new job. I am really missing Deb less and less. She is sill the measure by which these chicks are gaged.
6/24/02
And JUST LIKE THAT - I miss her again. Movies, any emotions, being alone, it always comes back to her. As long as I'm distracted, I'm okay - but when I think, I hurt. I always wonder if she misses me or if she'll call me. I am getting better / stronger. I know myself more everyday. Alone is more friendly than it was before - still tough though. I need to do 3 things for myself. 1) Slow the drinking - 2) Hit the gym and look better than ever 3) Fall in love again.
6/27/02
And now - who cares about Deb. It really comes and goes. Right now I'm in Atlanta with Taline. She looks as cute as ever. She is one of my oldest friends. I spoke to Crystal before I left - but everything is just hot and cold with her. We argue, it's going no where. We both make an effort to make it tollerable enough to have sex. I love treating women like they are special - the fact that I do nothing sweet for her means I just don't care. I need to just cut her loose - it's mean to keep her hanging on.
7/5/02
So Deb calls me yesterday. Yeah, right! I just can't deal with that. So many emotions. All I can think about is how to get her back now. I really spent time evaluating why we got divorced. I think she started it; and I ended it. But now? What is she thinking? What would make her ever trust me? Will another try ever happen? When she calls, she misse me. But how much? Ugh. This is a new feeling for me - to be obsessed. I've never wanted anything like I want her back. But I will remain in control and compossed.
7/15/02
CRACK! BANG! BOOM! LIGHTNING STRIKES! I can't explain what's happened over the past 6 days. Today is Monday. Tuesday I met a girl from the internet named Sara. We clicked immediately. Tuesday, long hug. Wed, soft kiss. Thursday, we rented movies and went at it. Friday we went to a party and had a great time. She slept over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What a week, she's awesome. I'm seriously falling in love in 6 days - SIX DAYS! I'm scared out of my mind. She's divorced too and her ex still comes up in conversation too much (but I'd be the pot calling the kettle black if that bothered me). What if she's not ready really, and I get dumped on this one - ouch. Very scary. We have so many common interests - please let this be right. Let it be good. Let her be the reason why all my prayers for Deb were unanswered. How could she have infested my head this fast? I must remain in control - control - control.
1/23 through 2/12/03
Sara and I have a seperation and need to work through a lot of issues. I'm not going to re-write it all . . . we'll keep that offline :)
5/11/03
I am Happy. I made a list of 36 things I know about myself and I need from a partner. It has taken me over 2 years - but I really know me. I know the journal has holes and it didn't give you all the insight I might have promised - but I know 36 things that I need in life and from my partner. I learned what I didn't have from Deb. I learned what I have now. I think - at least at this point in time - Sara meets all 36 needs. But most importantly the last one . . . "It's US against the world." There is very little I and mostly we. It's so easy to grow apart. Focus - stay together.
6/19/04
I'm getting married today. She's my everything and nothing has deminished over the last year. The original CRACK, BOOM LIGHTNING girl turns out to actually be the one. This ends the Bachelor story of John. I'm healthy, we're good, she's perfect. I'm so happy. She's WHY I divorced Deb - I knew she was out there. There's no baggage to start this marriage. We fight through challenges together. We don't compete against each other. I made over $135,000 last year - I believe I'm just better with her. I work for Sprint now. We'll be having babies. Don't you get it - I'm WINNING. That's what we do - we win. I have to go now, because I ROCK!
Thanks for listening journal - but I don't need you anymore. I have my Sara.
Blogger NOTE: Before I hit the "publish" button. It's 5/20/10. Two kids, same house, same wife, same job (although that may change in days) - I have good days and bad days . . . but I will tell you what. I am happy. 6 years later I am very, very happy. She is and was perfect. Nothing has changed from my wedding day. She is my jewel, she is my pride, she is my love. I am the greatest fan of her life because she deserves it. So to all the ladies in this journal (including the ex-wife) - thank you. Thank you so very very much - for showing me without a doubt, exactly what I DON'T WANT. She is what I want - so suck it.
2/14/2013
I'm divorced, again. Re-reading this - - - not much has changed. Still the same me, with the same issues.
7/27/2021
Married again. Just fought off cancer. Kids are fine. Dual homes is challenging.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
(continued) 2002 Journal 3/13-14/02
3/13/02
Yesterday I worked a full day without my co-sales manager. It went well, and I continued to learn about this company. I left about 5:40 PM and drove over to Jeff's to pick him up for dinner. We went to Champps again and I had the same thing I always have. A few beers, Golden Tee golf, and some flirting with the waitresses. I called Suzie for a booty call, no answer. I called Crystal - she can already tell when I'm lying. She's jaded - not a good thing. I'm going to have to start being honest with her sooner than I'd like to. I just don't feel comfortable telling her about other girls right now. Hopefully, the other girls will go away so I can focus on her.
Of course I also called my ex-wife last night. God did that suck. Either she truly has no feelings left for me, or she hides it very well. She is cold. Cold beyond expectation. She condescends me like no one else can. She makes me feel like a liar, an alcoholic, and a player (which I guess I've become) generally a bad person. How can she hate me like that? I have a thought to send her flowers - the card reads "A thin line between love and hate." I love when I write in cliche's. It's almost as bad as song lyrics. But, she's tossing me aside - I guess the whole official divorce thing might have given me a clue on that. I simply have to learn to hate her in order to move on. That's the only way I can let it go.
So that was yesterday - today I visited our retail stores. I also scouted some real estate for new potential locations. I did some grocery shopping and then over to Crystals for Beef Enchiladas. She's a good cook. She is definitely a jaded, old fashioned woman. She fits my stereotypical female ideals. Not the unique friend Deb was. She intoxicates me always - who will ever match up? BUT, Crystal and I had a nice night. Then I called Jane to set-up our date for tomorrow night. Called Suzie (no answer). Called Crystal to say good-night. And here I am.
Rachel is the only one I've met that could truly make me forget Deb. Rachel is unavailable, although she assures me I'm a great runner-up. Why can't Crystal snap into focus in my soul like that? She's a good one; the healthy one. I'm SO self-destructive.
3/14/02
Last day today; as the snow fell hard and the NCAA Basketball tournament started. I took it easy. Jane cancelled our date due to the snow. She's also sick, which happens often with her condition. I called Jeff but he was washing clothes. After all the other options were disposed of, Crystal came over and watched basketball with me. We're getting really good at kissing but as I mentioned she's physically off limits from the surgery. She's get well soon enough - but why no blow job?
Yesterday I worked a full day without my co-sales manager. It went well, and I continued to learn about this company. I left about 5:40 PM and drove over to Jeff's to pick him up for dinner. We went to Champps again and I had the same thing I always have. A few beers, Golden Tee golf, and some flirting with the waitresses. I called Suzie for a booty call, no answer. I called Crystal - she can already tell when I'm lying. She's jaded - not a good thing. I'm going to have to start being honest with her sooner than I'd like to. I just don't feel comfortable telling her about other girls right now. Hopefully, the other girls will go away so I can focus on her.
Of course I also called my ex-wife last night. God did that suck. Either she truly has no feelings left for me, or she hides it very well. She is cold. Cold beyond expectation. She condescends me like no one else can. She makes me feel like a liar, an alcoholic, and a player (which I guess I've become) generally a bad person. How can she hate me like that? I have a thought to send her flowers - the card reads "A thin line between love and hate." I love when I write in cliche's. It's almost as bad as song lyrics. But, she's tossing me aside - I guess the whole official divorce thing might have given me a clue on that. I simply have to learn to hate her in order to move on. That's the only way I can let it go.
So that was yesterday - today I visited our retail stores. I also scouted some real estate for new potential locations. I did some grocery shopping and then over to Crystals for Beef Enchiladas. She's a good cook. She is definitely a jaded, old fashioned woman. She fits my stereotypical female ideals. Not the unique friend Deb was. She intoxicates me always - who will ever match up? BUT, Crystal and I had a nice night. Then I called Jane to set-up our date for tomorrow night. Called Suzie (no answer). Called Crystal to say good-night. And here I am.
Rachel is the only one I've met that could truly make me forget Deb. Rachel is unavailable, although she assures me I'm a great runner-up. Why can't Crystal snap into focus in my soul like that? She's a good one; the healthy one. I'm SO self-destructive.
3/14/02
Last day today; as the snow fell hard and the NCAA Basketball tournament started. I took it easy. Jane cancelled our date due to the snow. She's also sick, which happens often with her condition. I called Jeff but he was washing clothes. After all the other options were disposed of, Crystal came over and watched basketball with me. We're getting really good at kissing but as I mentioned she's physically off limits from the surgery. She's get well soon enough - but why no blow job?
Friday, February 12, 2010
We'll start with some of the old stuff
Although my profile is not complete yet - I just felt like I should start writing. Certainly I'll have no followers at this point and maybe that's a good thing. For those of you that will start reading my blog in the future, maybe you read way back to see what my fist post was about.
Sometime in the near future, I will fill out my profile to describe what my interests are, what my beliefs may be, possibly a title for my blogging and generically who I am. Who I am now. That's a question right there but I'll not venture down that rabbit hole at this point. My profile will describe Me - a 36 year-old happily married father of two. A gainfully employed salesperson with moderate financial freedom and a zest for life. My profile will tell you all kinds of things about Me . . . but it won't tell you about who I was. Who was 1992 Me? How about 1999 Me? And dare I even discuss 2001-02 Me? I will - I will.
The rest of this initial post will be the first entry of my 2002 journal. It's just a notepad - no fancy binding or lock on the side. Until today, it was buried in my nightstand underneath a cell phone charger, some pens, condoms which I no longer need, nude photos of my wife, the Cosmo Kamasutra Instruction guide (never used), Kleenex, and what I hope was just melted chocolate. That journal, I feel, put my life back on track. Somehow writing out what I needed to do, and what I was doing allowed me to see myself. And I didn't like what I saw. I'll share that journal in these blogs for a few weeks here. You will meet - 2001-02 Me. You probably won't like him - I certainly don't.
Over time I expect this blog to take a turn into my profile life. You'll hear all about family life, Blockbuster movie reviews, and everything that's going to be in my profile. But right now: Me - 2001.
3/11/2002
After reading an article in Men's Health magazine, I've decided to start keeping this journal. I'm sure some days will be missing, as I'll likely get busy (or drunk); yet so it begins this potential work-in-progress. I've never kept a journal, at least not alone. Teresa and I kept one in High School; more or less a collection of notes. You know, passing notes - a communication since replaced by email. Today was a good day. And now I wonder to myself, "Do I get my journal up to speed on where I am in my life?" Or is this where my life begins?
Potentially (there's that word again) this is a therapeutic means to starting over - which I feel I must do. Why? New job, New car (Audi A4 Quattro). Maybe a new girl . . . New life. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed on the first alarm. It's taking me 5 or 6 snoozes to arise. Then I race to get to Hopkins before 8:30 AM. I usually do - hungry though. Work today consisted of some computer updating, some selling, our Monday meeting, and a computer malfunction. I'm sure the details of work will become more exciting - OH, and we interviewed a potential employee. A very personable black guy whom I think we'll hire. Amazing how even today I still have thought of, "am I hiring him because I'm over-compensating for our societal pressures of 'don't be a racist'." I hope not. I'm a good judge of character, but Lord knows I've demonstrated a lack of said judgement lately.
I'm single now. Have been for about a year. I suppose I could go read the Judge's Decree and find the exact date - but I'd rather not know. I certainly don't celebrate the divorce. I miss her. I miss her a lot. It was March 1st that I got drunk (told her I wasn't drunk) and mustered the courage to tell her things are painful as "just friends." So now we're not friends. Not even 2 weeks and I miss her. The others (as I call these women who could maybe replace her, HAH!) are kind of around. I string them along like puppets. Doing their little dance for me to ease my insecurity of being alone. Alone still feels . . . lonely. Rachel is about out of the picture - great sex, bad person. Suzie didn't call yesterday or today. I think I'll just see if she does. Nice girl, bigger butt, cute cheeks . . . not my type. I saw Naked Lauren on Sat. afternoon. Not naked this time of course because it's been a while. Eclectic little college girl on Zoltof because of her mom being a schizo. Great hip bones, lovely features, fun to be around . . . maybe in a couple years. Jane is a cute, tiny little blond. Sort of the Sarah Jessica Parker look. Attractive, great kisser, but she has Cystic Fibrosis. How much can I invest in a truly terminal relationship? as EVERY other guy has done to her as well.
Those are the others, save one: Crystal. Crystal, Crystal, Crystal . . . are you for real? She just had a cervical tumor frozen off, so sex is out of the question for 6 weeks. Yet, I still find time to spend with her. I left there a hour-and-a-half ago where she made me spaghetti. The we snuggled and watched Elimidate & Shipmates. She smokes - which sucks, but overall I really like her. Why? Am I just desperate for normalcy after the divorce, Telesha, Lisa, and Rachel? Someone not needy like Kim - or ugly like that one chick, ya know, Jeff's co-worker's friend. Yes - Crystal seems pretty cool. I wonder where it will go from here?
Thing is though, I know how to make relationships work - when I want (when I'm in them). Why I sabotaged the marriage, when I felt trapped? Mark it up to ignorant stupidity - Deb was / is the greatest woman, and I love her. But back to my point - I know how to make them work. I could do it with Crystal. Should I?
End the first entry of my 2002 Journal.
Sometime in the near future, I will fill out my profile to describe what my interests are, what my beliefs may be, possibly a title for my blogging and generically who I am. Who I am now. That's a question right there but I'll not venture down that rabbit hole at this point. My profile will describe Me - a 36 year-old happily married father of two. A gainfully employed salesperson with moderate financial freedom and a zest for life. My profile will tell you all kinds of things about Me . . . but it won't tell you about who I was. Who was 1992 Me? How about 1999 Me? And dare I even discuss 2001-02 Me? I will - I will.
The rest of this initial post will be the first entry of my 2002 journal. It's just a notepad - no fancy binding or lock on the side. Until today, it was buried in my nightstand underneath a cell phone charger, some pens, condoms which I no longer need, nude photos of my wife, the Cosmo Kamasutra Instruction guide (never used), Kleenex, and what I hope was just melted chocolate. That journal, I feel, put my life back on track. Somehow writing out what I needed to do, and what I was doing allowed me to see myself. And I didn't like what I saw. I'll share that journal in these blogs for a few weeks here. You will meet - 2001-02 Me. You probably won't like him - I certainly don't.
Over time I expect this blog to take a turn into my profile life. You'll hear all about family life, Blockbuster movie reviews, and everything that's going to be in my profile. But right now: Me - 2001.
3/11/2002
After reading an article in Men's Health magazine, I've decided to start keeping this journal. I'm sure some days will be missing, as I'll likely get busy (or drunk); yet so it begins this potential work-in-progress. I've never kept a journal, at least not alone. Teresa and I kept one in High School; more or less a collection of notes. You know, passing notes - a communication since replaced by email. Today was a good day. And now I wonder to myself, "Do I get my journal up to speed on where I am in my life?" Or is this where my life begins?
Potentially (there's that word again) this is a therapeutic means to starting over - which I feel I must do. Why? New job, New car (Audi A4 Quattro). Maybe a new girl . . . New life. I'm still having trouble getting out of bed on the first alarm. It's taking me 5 or 6 snoozes to arise. Then I race to get to Hopkins before 8:30 AM. I usually do - hungry though. Work today consisted of some computer updating, some selling, our Monday meeting, and a computer malfunction. I'm sure the details of work will become more exciting - OH, and we interviewed a potential employee. A very personable black guy whom I think we'll hire. Amazing how even today I still have thought of, "am I hiring him because I'm over-compensating for our societal pressures of 'don't be a racist'." I hope not. I'm a good judge of character, but Lord knows I've demonstrated a lack of said judgement lately.
I'm single now. Have been for about a year. I suppose I could go read the Judge's Decree and find the exact date - but I'd rather not know. I certainly don't celebrate the divorce. I miss her. I miss her a lot. It was March 1st that I got drunk (told her I wasn't drunk) and mustered the courage to tell her things are painful as "just friends." So now we're not friends. Not even 2 weeks and I miss her. The others (as I call these women who could maybe replace her, HAH!) are kind of around. I string them along like puppets. Doing their little dance for me to ease my insecurity of being alone. Alone still feels . . . lonely. Rachel is about out of the picture - great sex, bad person. Suzie didn't call yesterday or today. I think I'll just see if she does. Nice girl, bigger butt, cute cheeks . . . not my type. I saw Naked Lauren on Sat. afternoon. Not naked this time of course because it's been a while. Eclectic little college girl on Zoltof because of her mom being a schizo. Great hip bones, lovely features, fun to be around . . . maybe in a couple years. Jane is a cute, tiny little blond. Sort of the Sarah Jessica Parker look. Attractive, great kisser, but she has Cystic Fibrosis. How much can I invest in a truly terminal relationship? as EVERY other guy has done to her as well.
Those are the others, save one: Crystal. Crystal, Crystal, Crystal . . . are you for real? She just had a cervical tumor frozen off, so sex is out of the question for 6 weeks. Yet, I still find time to spend with her. I left there a hour-and-a-half ago where she made me spaghetti. The we snuggled and watched Elimidate & Shipmates. She smokes - which sucks, but overall I really like her. Why? Am I just desperate for normalcy after the divorce, Telesha, Lisa, and Rachel? Someone not needy like Kim - or ugly like that one chick, ya know, Jeff's co-worker's friend. Yes - Crystal seems pretty cool. I wonder where it will go from here?
Thing is though, I know how to make relationships work - when I want (when I'm in them). Why I sabotaged the marriage, when I felt trapped? Mark it up to ignorant stupidity - Deb was / is the greatest woman, and I love her. But back to my point - I know how to make them work. I could do it with Crystal. Should I?
End the first entry of my 2002 Journal.
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