3/15/02
My check was almost nothing - now money is an issue. That's irritating. Then my dad called, he's friends with my ex-wife's old boss. Her boss suspected that she was having an affair with a guy at work during our marriage. Needless to say when I got home I was ready for a Martini. So I had one. None of my friends wanted to go out so Crystal just came over and I had A beer since Crystal seems to not be a big drinker. After some gentle kisses on her tummy she asked if I'd make love to her. I obliged. We peaked simultaneously - it was nice. Of course tomorrow I'm going out with Jane, but hey Crystal's here now. I hope I don't snore too loud.
3/16/02
It was nice waking up next to Crystal, she stayed until noon. I didn't want her to stay that long. I'm ready to be alone (weird). I went to that St. Patrick's party with Jane - I got just wasted. She drank almost nothing. I'm pretty sure I called people when I got home but I don't remember . . . I need to dry out!
3/17/02
I planned on taking it easy today - ooops. We went to O'Gara's for green beer. I ran into Lisa for the second night in a row - fate? We switched bars and I called Rachel - I still have a thing for her. I called Deb wasted and asked if she did have that affair. She said "No" and I believe her. Can you believe I still trust her above all others?
3/18/02
Crystal and I had the "exclusivity" talk last night while I was wasted. Oh goody! Luckily I think we agreed that wasn't going to happen yet. I didn't drink today - that's ONE! I need to severely cut down. I'm going out to Jane tomorrow night - told Crystal I had a work function. I'll try honesty if this progresses. I know I won't start a relationship cheating again like the foundation of my failed marriage. Tonight I find myself thinking of Jane - tiny little ass, yum. Suzie is probably mad at me, what will happen with Lisa? I do SO love juggling these girls. It makes me feel alive and wanted. I'm so pathetically insecure.
3/19/02
So the day was mostly about Jane today and she ends the night by saying, "Don't be bad this weekend." I say, "By drinking too much?" She says, "No, by hitting on women, it would hurt me." Gee, thanks for identifying my real problem and not getting too clingy after we made out lightly three times. Give me a break.
3/20/02
Woke up with Crystal and came home to shower. Slept well with her finally.
4/14/02
Wow - haven't posted in almost a month. Crystal is getting pretty serious. She'd like to move forward, I can't open up. We had an interesting conversation about why men leave women when they get fat . . . yeah, tell ya what - you take pride in yourself, I'll love ya. I'm not compromising again I'll tell you that. She suggested that you should love your partner no matter what. I say you should make an effort and grow together. Both have merit, but you can't just assume love will carry you through. It didn't with my marriage. I asked Deb via email last week if she thought life was better without me in it. She didn't reply. People remember the bad far better than the good - I should have seen the positives. Jane is still in the picture, gives great head.
6/10/02
Almost 2 months this time of not writing. So - Jane has herpes, that's always a fun little discovery. We're making out and she stops me and says, "okay I have something to tell you - don't be mad." I'm thinking, great here comes the baggage. I didn't realize it was the kind you actually CARRY! Can't touch this - duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh - can't touch this. Dismissed. Thank god she was respectful and didn't put me in harms way.
Crystal is now officially my girlfriend. It's a little rocky but we're "making an effort" - I guess she was listening. I keep searching for that spark though. She asks things like, "Do you want me more than all others?" Jesus Christ are you serious? "Want for no others" - - we are talking about a man? If I COULD have my cake and eat it too without hurting a woman I love; I would. We make choices in life. I won't jeapordize a future relationship - Crystal's cool, I dig her. But want for no other . . . goodness.
Deb and I had a little back and forth over our would-have-been anniversary. I said, "I still love you." - she said "what would you have me do?" She's in love with another man. Jesus, I pushed for the divorce, what a pathetic piece of shit.
I started bartending. A business friend of mine is trying to help me get a better job. I'm 3 days sober. When I was 16 I didn't drink and I was still a crazy party guy - where's that confidence now? I've discovered DVD porn - on that note . . .
6/11/02
4 days sober. Battling. Suzie called and dragged me to the gym (thankfully). It's nice that Suzie and I are just friends, I like it better this way. I asked her how her new guy is - she said he's great. I said he doesn't lay you like me though, huh? She just smiled. God I'm good. Crystal still can not get my whole attention and I still miss Deb.
I met another girl online - Sheri. She's older than me, which is a first since I was in 8th grade.
Work still sucks, the money is terrible and the mortgage is killing me.
I have a very strong desire to get healthy again.
6/12/02
5 days sober. 30 days is my stretch goal. Crystal called and said we need to be apart because she needs time to think. The next day after her and a girlfriend met these guys playing pool. Chicks are so obvious. She said she needs to see if she's only with me because she fears being alone . . . gee, that sounds familiar. Seems nowadays, people are so afraid, that they're afraid of being alone, that they force themselves to be alone - just to learn how to be alone. And the end result is that they are alone; stupid. Sabatoge a relationship to learn about yourself? Can't you learn while you're with somebody? Deb said that same stuff to me a year ago. Chicks. I told Crystal you don't need time to think, we're done. She was just gunning for me to be the bad guy anyway - what else is new?
Rules I've learned from dating - try to get an early read on where they are in their life, definitely give pleanty of space and don't smother them, force youself not to call even when you want to. Don't get jealous until way after the exclusive talk. Work the plan. I will not contact my ex-wife anymore.
6/13/02
6 days sober. I'm starting to feel like I'm talking as myself and not this angry, sex hound. Optimism, there's something I've not felt in some time. Crystal called and said we can try again if you promise not to hurt me. I basically said the opposite. I actually listed the various ways I might hurt her - funny. I must subconsciously really not want that. Final thought - I still miss her.
6/14/02
7 days sober. My work environment is completely condescending. I gave the commencement address at my H.S. graduation, I got my B.S. with a 3.8 GPA and I was the sales manager of an entire region for a Fortune 500 company and this is what I'm doing now? Not for long. I'd discuss Crystal but who cares?
6/23/02
A week has gone by since my last entry - I'm off the wagon again. I nailed this Sheri chick. I really need a new job. I am really missing Deb less and less. She is sill the measure by which these chicks are gaged.
6/24/02
And JUST LIKE THAT - I miss her again. Movies, any emotions, being alone, it always comes back to her. As long as I'm distracted, I'm okay - but when I think, I hurt. I always wonder if she misses me or if she'll call me. I am getting better / stronger. I know myself more everyday. Alone is more friendly than it was before - still tough though. I need to do 3 things for myself. 1) Slow the drinking - 2) Hit the gym and look better than ever 3) Fall in love again.
6/27/02
And now - who cares about Deb. It really comes and goes. Right now I'm in Atlanta with Taline. She looks as cute as ever. She is one of my oldest friends. I spoke to Crystal before I left - but everything is just hot and cold with her. We argue, it's going no where. We both make an effort to make it tollerable enough to have sex. I love treating women like they are special - the fact that I do nothing sweet for her means I just don't care. I need to just cut her loose - it's mean to keep her hanging on.
7/5/02
So Deb calls me yesterday. Yeah, right! I just can't deal with that. So many emotions. All I can think about is how to get her back now. I really spent time evaluating why we got divorced. I think she started it; and I ended it. But now? What is she thinking? What would make her ever trust me? Will another try ever happen? When she calls, she misse me. But how much? Ugh. This is a new feeling for me - to be obsessed. I've never wanted anything like I want her back. But I will remain in control and compossed.
7/15/02
CRACK! BANG! BOOM! LIGHTNING STRIKES! I can't explain what's happened over the past 6 days. Today is Monday. Tuesday I met a girl from the internet named Sara. We clicked immediately. Tuesday, long hug. Wed, soft kiss. Thursday, we rented movies and went at it. Friday we went to a party and had a great time. She slept over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What a week, she's awesome. I'm seriously falling in love in 6 days - SIX DAYS! I'm scared out of my mind. She's divorced too and her ex still comes up in conversation too much (but I'd be the pot calling the kettle black if that bothered me). What if she's not ready really, and I get dumped on this one - ouch. Very scary. We have so many common interests - please let this be right. Let it be good. Let her be the reason why all my prayers for Deb were unanswered. How could she have infested my head this fast? I must remain in control - control - control.
1/23 through 2/12/03
Sara and I have a seperation and need to work through a lot of issues. I'm not going to re-write it all . . . we'll keep that offline :)
5/11/03
I am Happy. I made a list of 36 things I know about myself and I need from a partner. It has taken me over 2 years - but I really know me. I know the journal has holes and it didn't give you all the insight I might have promised - but I know 36 things that I need in life and from my partner. I learned what I didn't have from Deb. I learned what I have now. I think - at least at this point in time - Sara meets all 36 needs. But most importantly the last one . . . "It's US against the world." There is very little I and mostly we. It's so easy to grow apart. Focus - stay together.
6/19/04
I'm getting married today. She's my everything and nothing has deminished over the last year. The original CRACK, BOOM LIGHTNING girl turns out to actually be the one. This ends the Bachelor story of John. I'm healthy, we're good, she's perfect. I'm so happy. She's WHY I divorced Deb - I knew she was out there. There's no baggage to start this marriage. We fight through challenges together. We don't compete against each other. I made over $135,000 last year - I believe I'm just better with her. I work for Sprint now. We'll be having babies. Don't you get it - I'm WINNING. That's what we do - we win. I have to go now, because I ROCK!
Thanks for listening journal - but I don't need you anymore. I have my Sara.
Blogger NOTE: Before I hit the "publish" button. It's 5/20/10. Two kids, same house, same wife, same job (although that may change in days) - I have good days and bad days . . . but I will tell you what. I am happy. 6 years later I am very, very happy. She is and was perfect. Nothing has changed from my wedding day. She is my jewel, she is my pride, she is my love. I am the greatest fan of her life because she deserves it. So to all the ladies in this journal (including the ex-wife) - thank you. Thank you so very very much - for showing me without a doubt, exactly what I DON'T WANT. She is what I want - so suck it.
2/14/2013
I'm divorced, again. Re-reading this - - - not much has changed. Still the same me, with the same issues.
7/27/2021
Married again. Just fought off cancer. Kids are fine. Dual homes is challenging.
...tears...i love you too :)
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